+1? setting guest list criteria

The more the merrier, right?

I dunno...

If you've been following this blog at all, you know I've contradicted myself several times with regards to who I want to have attending my wedding. But after talking with a girlfriend about her wedding, and getting my first few RSVPs asking to bring their boyfriend/girlfriend, I'm setting a new rule (and hopefully it sticks). For my side of the guest list...

If you're not married or engaged, your +1 has to go on a waitlist. If space opens up, I'll think about extending additional invitations. I am making an exception for family...they can bring a +1.

I've had a few girlfriends who have been outstandingly thoughtful and actually volunteered to not invite their boyfriends before I even sent out invitations! In the interest of keeping our budget in check, I took them up on it. And then I realized, I really didn't want to invite people that I hadn't spent time with -- strangers, to my wedding. This wedding is very personal to me, and I can't imagine celebrating it with strangers.

Boyfriends/girlfriends fall into a huge grey area with innumerable shades of grey. I don't want to be in the position where I'm judging how serious a relationship is, and whether it warrants an invite or not. Who am I to say that an engaged couple that's been together 3 years is more serious than a couple that has been living together for 3 years and just hasn't chosen to get married? If the couple's been together for a while, then I've probably hung out with both people often enough that I would probably be okay inviting both... But then the situation becomes overly complex and inevitably you hurt someone's feelings when you invite some but not all. A rule has to be in place, and it has to be applied across the board.

Additional considerations:

• If everyone brings a +1, we are going to far exceed the number of guests our reception site can accommodate.
• My side of the guest list outnumbers my fiance's 3:1. I need to keep additional guests at a minimum.

...and yes, part of me is selfish and doesn't want to share my day with strangers.

Sharing the day with family

Part of the driving force behind who I'm inviting to the wedding is thinking about who in my life I need to thank....and I have a lot of people I want to thank. It's a mixed blessing, for sure.

I'm not a very expressive person unless an occasion calls for it, so I'm making my wedding an occasion to recognize those people in my life who have made a significant impact, especially during the really rough times in my life when I needed their friendship and support the most.

The only problem is that I can't actually SAY the words out loud. I am a big crier and the words would never make it out of my mouth. Instead, I'm trying to think of subtle ways to include them in the day...small ways of showing them how much I appreciate them and how fortunate I am to have them in my life.

The wedding slideshow is one way of visually showing my progression in life and the people who've been involved along the way.

But I've also thought about printing up a bunch of pictures, at least one of me with each person I'm inviting. On the back, I'll write their name and a little message to them, or one of my favorite memories of them, and of course a thank you. I'm thinking about stringing up a clothesline across the windows and hanging each picture up with clothes pins.

It would look a little bit like this:

http://www.thingsworthmaking.com/2009/04/making-original-art-for-big-event.html

This couple used the clothesline idea for a photo timeline....which is another good idea too...hrmm...

Shoes shoes shoes

I hate hate hate that once you slap the word "wedding" on it, everything costs 200% more. Take shoes for instance. Initial shoe shopping on wedding websites and zappos produced shoes that were upwards of $50 and sometimes up into the $200 range for a simple white shoe!

Now...I don't wear white shoes. Ever. So whatever shoes I buy for my wedding I will probably only wear them once. Once I got over the "need the perfect shoe for my special princess day" inclination, shoe criteria became:

A) does it fit? i have very wide feet that that is usually where my foot pains stem from.
B) white or silver in color
C) can i stand wearing them for 8 hrs straight
D) less than $100

Now that last one seems ridiculous to me, but it seems people only make white shoes for one reason: weddings, and they know they've got you cornered on that matter.

So here's what I've come up with:

Payless Shoe Store: Unforgettable Moments - Audrey ($25)
White slingback peep toe with a 3" heel (link)

Surprisingly comfortable for a 3" heel and the peep toe doesn't dig into the sides of my toes. It also comes in a wide width on the website, but the size 8 actually fit okay.





Payless Shoe Store: Fioni - Kayley Dress Sandal ($20)
White dress sandal with a 3" heel (link)

I haven't actually tried these on, but they are only $20 AND they come in a wide width!








Zappos.com: Vaneli - Modesta ($74)
White dress sandal with a 2.5" heel (link)

I ordered the 8W and they fit alright and are a low enough heel that I could easily deal with it. The strappy-ness makes me think that I would have an easier time wearing these shoes with other outfits...maybe. These also come in an 8WW, which I might try, especially with Zappos free shipping and free returns.


There are many many other shoes that I found on the web...but you know what, i'm tired of looking. They're just shoes and on the wedding day, our guests are there to see us get married and no one's going to care what shoes I'm wearing....least of all me.

First wedding, second wedding.

I've decided to just use this blog to sort through all the thoughts that have been going through my head with the planning.

This being my second wedding, I don't want the princess wedding. I can't tell if that's from getting married to wrong person but with a lovely wedding that makes me hyper aware that the wedding is nothing if the truth, love, and commitment isn't there in the first place. And now that I have someone who I love unconditionally, who makes me a better person, who makes life better just being there....I just want to marry HIM. Everything else about the wedding is just a bonus, and sometimes a detractor.

We have about 150 people on our guest list, and I'm happy to celebrate with them all. They're important people in our lives who know us as individuals, as a couple, and who will whole-heartedly celebrate this special day. But for the ceremony...it seems too intimate to be witnessed by so many people. It feels too much like a pagent.

Really, it should just the two of us. This is our promise to each other and no one else. But, it means something to me to make that promise to him, to my family, and to his family as well. I am taking him into my family, and he is becoming a part of mine too. It's as if I'm promising his family, who have loved and supported him his entire life, that they can trust me to do the same. I think a lot of wedding ceremonies don't acknowledge that. I think when there's too much ceremony and ritual, the true weight of your vows can get lost. If the bride had to look into the face of the groom's family and make that promise, that's not something you take lightly.

I've decided I just want our immediate family there and a handful of our closest friends. It's the most meaningful part of the day and I only want those who matter there.

The Dreaded Guestlist

The guestlist is always the biggest hurdle to overcome when wedding planning.
"Who do you want to have there? How much can afford to spend per person?"

Not to mention the personal politics of
"Who is going to be upset if you don't invite them? Well, so and so invited us to their wedding...."

My family is pretty big as far as families go. I could easily invite 200 of JUST family, and another 100 friends. However, I absolutely cannot afford a wedding of that size. And honestly, having gone through the enormous wedding the first time, I'd prefer a smaller more intimate wedding where we actually get a chance to talk with everyone.

So where do we make the cuts?

FAMILY

Depending on how far up the family tree i go, we have three tiers of family:

• Immediate family = parents, brothers and sisters and their families, and grand parents (27 people)
• Extended family = parents' brothers and sisters and their families (+56 people, 83 total)
• Super extended family = grandparents' brothers and sisters and their families (+97, 180 total)

To be fair, the super extended family is all my family. And to be truthful, I love my super extended family too, but in my adult life, my super extended family doesn't know me as an individual. It's my family and my extended family that I turn to when I need support. They're the ones I visit, and they're the ones that I celebrate with.

So that first cut is relatively painless: Keep it to immediate and extended family

83 invited - 20 people who probably can't make it = 63 family

FRIENDS

Here's where it gets really tough:

1. Absolutely must invite = lifelong friends (18 people)
2. Family friends = lifelong friends of my parents that are like extended family to me (15 people)
3. Good friends = friends we've kept in touch with through college and high school (29 people)
4. Additional friends = people we spend a decent amount of time with (32 people)
   

To make it a little easier. We're planning an informal picnic later on for just friends which would include Friend Set #4.

• A) Minimum friend scenario = Family + Friend Set #1 = 81 people
• B) Family friend scenario = A + Friend Set #2 - 6 people who probably can't make it = 90 people
• C) MORE friends scenario =B + Friend Set #3 - 9 people who probably can't make it = 110 people

So then now I have a choice of 81, 90, or 110 people.

If you estimate that the cost per person for just food is $25+ 20% gratuity = $25/person, that's a difference of $2000, +$250, or +$750.

Here's where I'm stuck.

Is $750 worth being surrounded by more friends? Do I want to be surrounded by more friends? I just don't know...

Budget Saver #1: Don't go overboard on the ring!

"The old adage of spending two months’ salary on an engagement ring is no more than an arbitrary guideline established by the jewelry and diamond industry."

How true it is.

Try, try, try not to get sucked in by the pretty sparklies. I know...it's easy to be mesmerized by their sparkle. It's easy to want friends and families to ooh and ahhh over your ring. But there are some serious factors you should consider when choosing a ring.

If all goes well, you will be wearing this ring FOREVER.
If you're anything like me, the thought of taking off my ring puts me in a mild state of cardiac arrest. what if i lose it? what if it drops down the drain? So, choose a ring design that compliments how active you are with your hands on a daily basis. For you active gals, think what a honkin' big diamond is going to feel like on your hand 24/7. Lower profile rings won't get in the way as much. If you have a life of leisure, well then....by all means opt for the 3 carat princess cut solitaire.

[Personally, I hate when ring turn around on my finger because of the weight. And I really hate not being able to slide my hands into my pockets without the setting snagging on something.]

Think of everything else you could be putting that money towards.
A house? A car? Nest egg for your future offspring? For those of you that opt for a diamond solitaire ring...boy, that diamond is probably more than i want to spend on my entire wedding. Just a quick search on Mondera.com provided the following scale for similar quality diamonds (D, VS1):

• 0.5 carat round = $1,739
• 1 carat round = $8,223
• 1.5 carat round = $23,225
• 2 carat round = $37,223

And that's without any side stones.

Who else but you will know how good that diamond is?
After the initial "ooh, you're engaged! let me see the ring!" when will anyone look that closely at your ring...especially close enough to discern those teeny flaws in the diamond with the naked eye? NEVER. From VS1 (Very Slightly Included) all the way up to IF (Internally Flawless), the inclusions in the diamond are really only visible under10x magnification! Only at SI do you start to see the inclusions with the naked eye. But look at the difference in price:
E, SI2, Very Good = $974
E, SI1, Very Good = $1,134
E, VS2, Very Good = $1,353
E, IF, Very Good = $2,339

And regarding color, straight from the horse's mouth:

"Diamonds graded D through F are naturally the most valuable and desirable because of their rarity. Such diamonds are a treat for the eyes of anyone. But you can still obtain very attractive diamonds that are graded slightly less than colorless. And diamonds graded G through I show virtually no color that is visible to the untrained eye.

And while a very, very faint hint of yellow will be apparent in diamonds graded J through M, this color can often be minimized by carefully selecting the right jewelry in which to mount your diamond. Keep in mind that, while most people strive to buy the most colorless diamond they can afford, there are many people who actually prefer the warmer glow of lower-color diamonds." -Mondera.Com

Just think of it this way, your diamond will have character...like you!


What's your favorite color?
"A diamond is forever." "Diamonds are white like the purity of our love." Using diamonds for wedding and engagements was something dreamed up by De Beers. Why not consider these other classic gemstones for your ring, like rubies, emeralds, or sapphires?



By all means, choose a ring that makes you happy, and makes you feel schwoopy and romantic, but by taking a level-headed approach, you can save quite a bit of money and still get a wonderful ring that will be a constant reminder of you of how lucky you are to be marrying that special someone. The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

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